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Sexual Fantasies


Mind Games

It's All in Your Head

By definition, fantasies live in the mind. "It's not a fantasy if you go out and do it," says Howard Ruppel, Ph.D., chancellor at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Your thoughts during sex are not a reflection of your real-life mindset. Rather, sex offers the opportunity "to experience things you can't possibly act out," wrote the late Alex Comfort, M.D., in his classic bestseller The Joy of Sex (recently updated 30 years after its first edition). "These fantasies can be heterosexual, homosexual, incestuous, tender, wild, or bloodthirsty — don't block, and don't be afraid of your partner's fantasy; this is a dream you are in."

Think your partner will take pleasure in playing along? In some relationships, revealing your fanciful desires to your partner can fuel sexual fulfillment, Schwartz says. "It can produce a huge amount of intimacy if you're sharing these most private thoughts only with each other, which demonstrates a deep trust."

But only do so if you know your partner will respond positively — otherwise, don't feel the need to tell all, says Nancy Friday, author of the bestsellers My Secret Garden, Forbidden Flowers and Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies.

Good Kind of Mind Game

Sex is a game with only two rules, Comfort wrote: Don't do anything you don't enjoy, and try to indulge your partner's expressed needs. Men and women should take turns setting the game plan. Heed Comfort's words: "ex is no longer what men do to women and women are supposed to enjoy." Indeed, a fantastical adventure — where both partners are enthusiastic participants — could be just the recipe for a fulfilling sex life.


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